An Angry Letter to My Mother
Written by Shamin
I know you must feel like I’m the greatest mistake of your life. Perhaps you wonder why you did not smother me under a pillow roughly 22 years ago. Or even better, perhaps you wonder why you did not abort me as soon as the first wave of morning sickness came.
After all, why would you feel otherwise? I am a constant source of embarrassment for you – an unbearable shame. Perhaps you’re wishing that I just disappeared from the sight and memory of all who knew of what I’ve become. You look in shock and horror as I unabashedly reveal to anyone who would hear just exactly the source of your shame – that your daughter claims to be a man, a son you did not want or ask for. You would not see that I’ve always been a son in the disguise of a daughter.
You fearfully dodge, imagined or not, eavesdropping strangers who seem to gossip at every turn about my state of affairs even though its none of their business. You have a story to tell each person who asks you what has become of me – a lie to preserve the family honour, whatever that may be, and to save your own face. And you look up in the sky and ask God why he is testing you like this… why I’m torturing you with my “perverse” behaviour…
Let me tell you something ma, you brought it upon yourself. You refused to accept me because what other people think is more important to you than your own child. Who are these people anyway, that are more important to you than the child you gave birth to and raised? Are you not supposed to love me unconditionally? What have you suffered that you did not bring upon yourself?
You never had to starve because of who I am.
You never got kicked out of your house because of who I am.
You never got cut off from everyone you loved because of who I am.
You never got fired because of who I am.
Nobody ever said derogatory things to you because of who I am.
People are not uncomfortable around your presence because of who I am.
You never had to sleep on the steps of an apartment because of who I am.
You never had to wonder where your next meal is coming from because of who I am.
You never had to worry who will sexually assault you next because of who I am.
You never had to walk down the street with everyone staring at you because of who I am.
You never had anyone refuse you a place to stay because of who I am.
You never had to explain yourself because of me.
You never had to face violence because of me.
You never had to work for a measly income because of who I am.
You were never forced to halt your studies because of who I am.
You were not removed from everything you know because of who I am.
You were not rejected from society because of who I am.
You did not lose friends because of who I am.
You did not have your identity questioned because of who I am.
You did not have people making fun of you because of who I am.
You never have to wonder if you’ll be invited to your siblings’ weddings because of who I am.
You never have to wonder why people hate you for something you can’t change because of who I am.
You never have to hear people you love lie about you because of who I am.
You were never chastised for telling the truth and being yourself because of who I am.
And none of this would have happened to you if you had accepted me. If you have accepted me, none of those things would have happened to me! None of it! And even if some of these things did happen, I would have the strength of your love to support me. But what do I have? What do I have from you, ma, besides your shame?
Nothing at all! Nothing!